Now that Thanksgiving has passed, we enter the holiday season at full tilt. Usually, BeautyNews NYC would gladly ring in December with a typical dose of saccharine glee. This year, things are different. We’re sick of department store Santas and marketing ploys, tired of the bodies choking the sidewalks outside Rockefeller Center, and just about fed up with the annual slew of Christmas albums (shove it, Christina). We’ve got a maxed out credit card and a bad attitude. Watch yourself.

And so, it’s our disgruntled pleasure to present the Grinch Issue. A word of caution: Don’t read any further if you’re squeamish about colourful language used in lieu of punctuation or if you are lacking a sense of dry, caustic humor. However, if a little Rock n’ Roll Christmas Humbug is just what you need…you’re at the right place. Download some tunes, get some gift hints, and make a list of what matters in life. Or don’t. We don’t give a sh*t.

Ho F*kcin Ho!

Does Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” give you acid reflux? Is even Adam Sandler’s “The Hanukkah Song” starting to sound too Pollyanna? Does the phrase “Don We Now Our Gay Apparel” make you wanna pound a whole boys choir? You’ve come to the right place, my friends. Prepare yourselves for a Holiday mix that’s one part angst and two parts…well, let’s face it, grain alcohol.

Click Here to listen to and purchase these songs from the iTunes Music Store.

Any playlist that includes a song called “Back Door Santa” is bound to be more than a little edgy. And edgy it is. Rock out to perennial favorite “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” played by 90s punk band New Bomb Turks. It beats Bon Jovi’s version. Trust me. I have both.

You don’t hear a lot of Christmas hiphop (except, of course, in the latest Gap commercial), and there’s a reason. There’s something about the holiday that’s not very street. It’s no wonder, then, that Run DMC’s contribution isn’t so much about roasting chestnuts as stealing Santa’s wallet. Welcome to Christmas in Hollis, Queens.

The Darkness’ “Christmas Time,” The Kinks’ “Father Christmas,” and The Ramones’ “Merry Christmas” celebrate the emotional trials of the season, as expressed through hot guitar licks. Sufjan Stevens’ “Get Behind Me, Santa!” (a play on the title of the last White Stripes album) dishes out a sleigh full of acoustic sass. “I don’t care what you say, Santa Claus/ You’re a bad brother breakin into people’s garage.” Preach it, Sufjan.

The Waitresses’ “Christmas Wrapping” is my all-time favorite Christmas song, not only because of the sick bass line, but also because I respect any band that can recover from pitfalls like “I Know What Boys Like.” This is the perfect song for wrapping any gift purchased at American Apparel, Urban Outfitters, or your local overpriced vintage shop.

Finally, you’ve heard what Hendrix can do with the national anthem; just imagine how he shreds Little Drummer Boy. Turn it up loud if you’re looking for some good old holiday face-melting.

No one said you have to wallow on the holidays. But if you’d rather pout than be of good cheer, these are some tunes to get down with your bad self.

A Gift Guide For the Least Deserving: Being Passive-Aggressive Was Never So Much Fun!
By Gillian Weeks

Can’t find that perfect gift for that special someone? What about the utterly unremarkable prezzie for that average, uninspiring, or downright disagreeable someone? All of the hundreds of Holiday Gift Guides you see these days are missing one crucial component: what to buy for the person who really deserves a fruitcake.

There are always those people in our lives we’re compelled to celebrate – our in-laws, our bosses, our teachers – not because they’ve earned it, but rather out of social obligation. The thought of spending your bonus on pervy Uncle Marty is enough to make you want to ditch the whole tradition and join TomKat at the Scientology Temple.

And yet, my friends, there is a way to extract some Christmas cheer out of this charade. Here’s a gift guide for those presents that take a martyr’s will to bestow. In this case, it is most definitely better to give than to receive.

Offender: The 7-year old Nephew
Crime: brattiness, being spoiled, hair pulling
Punishment: Charity

So all children are a blessing and unique and special blah blah blah. Let’s be real, folks. Some kids are a-holes. If you have the misfortune of being related to one such spoiled, whiny cherub, here’s a gift suggestion that might help him see the light.

Forget the X-box and the tinker toys (lord only knows what he’d do with that). Try teaching him a lesson in charity, if only out of spite. Give him a gift certificate for the purchase of one farm animal for poor African villagers. For $50 you can feed a family and put a cork in the kid. It’s good to be saintly, isn’t it?

Offender: The Boss
Crime: The hairy eyeball, handsiness
Punishment: a history lesson

Is your superior treading a thin line between camaraderie and litigation? Do you find yourself buttoning way up whenever you enter his office? Does he always insist on “hugging it out”? Instead of introducing your knee to his groin, let him have a chance to reflect on history. Give him the classic On the Trail of the Women Warriors: The Amazons in Myth and History by Lyn Webster Wilde. It might give him a whole new perspective on the “weaker sex”.

You could also try dropping some provocative hints about your hobbies. Express a fondness for archery and arm wrestling, adding that you’re a little sore after last night’s bar brawl. My guess is he won’t want to tangle with a warrior princess.

Offender: The Great Aunt
Crime: Weight monitoring, self-esteem deflation, hypocrisy
Punishment: Cashmere

Do you have an older relative, typically that aunt of the “greatest generation,” who monitors your figure with the precision of a boxer trying to make his weight class? She’ll serve you smaller portions at family meals, suggest you’ve really “filled out,” and give you backhanded complements, as in “Oh, you look so wonderful! Have you lost some weight?” You’d really like to get her a frozen dinner from Jenny Craig for Christmas, but your mother warned you not to make a scene on the holiday. What’s a girl to do?

Your only option: psychological warfare. Give your aunt a taste of her own medicine with some subtle mind tricks. Step One: make sure you know what size she is, don’t eyeball it. Two, buy her a cardigan exactly two sizes too small. I find that miss-sized cropped sweaters can be the most unflattering, what with the strain on the buttonholes. Three, find a sweater in her proper size, either from a thrift store or your own closet. Finally, cut the tag off the thrift store item then switch it with tag on the too-small cardigan. When she tries it on, she’ll be convinced she ballooned over night. You might want to sooth her worries by saying she looks “plump and healthy.”

Hating for the Holidays
By Gillian Weeks

I don’t know about you guys, but here in New York, sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by all my positive thoughts, I could scream.  There’s only so much joy a person can be asked to endure.  A welcome release comes in the form of a website: ifuckinghatethatshit.com.  Behold a list of things, people, places, and events that totally suck, brought to you by some L.A. haters.  These hateful things range in significance from big (“Hitler”) to small (“Chicks who have allergic reactions on their skin/face”).  Give it a read and you’ll find that you’ve got some hate in ya as well.
 
In honor of our Grinch Issue, I felt it was appropriate for New York to have its own screed.  See below for my personal list of hateable offenses.  I hope you find it as therapeutic as I did.
 
Wanna get something off your chest?  Send your hate to hate@ifuckinghatethatshit.com, or if you don’t trust those frontin’ west coast suckers, you can write to me at gillian@beautynewsnyc.com.

I hate this sh*t…
 

1. Model/waitresses.  Just bring me my food already and stop adjusting your edgy headscarf.  No one’s taking your picture. 
2. Waiting for your whole party to arrive before you can start waiting for your table. 
3. People who smoke in front of my first floor apartment at eight in the morning.  Also, the same people who live upstairs and are clearly on meth.  Stop doing drugs.  You’re losing your teeth. 
4. PR girls with high-pitched voices.  That does not make you cuter.  
5. Sneezing in public.  Sorry, everybody. 
6. When you drop your eye shadow and it breaks into one hundred million pieces and it gets all over your clothes and it cost $20 to begin with. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!! 
7. Skinny jeans.  Yes, I wear them but I don’t like it.  When will designers accept that bootcut is the universally flattering shape? Skinny-ass bee-otches… 
8. Making conversation with your bikini waxer. 
9. Mystery fluids on the subway.  Gross. 
10. Americans who call soccer football.  Puh-lease. 
11. People who confirm stereotypes.  Like the entire cast of Flavor of Love.  Which, however, is kind of awesome. 
12. Ryan Seacrest.  Like, seriously?  This guy?  
13. How scratched the screen of my ipod nano is. Gyp! 
14. People who don’t stay abreast of current events.  It’s your responsibility as a global citizen. 
15. That SNL isn’t funny anymore. 
16. People who comment on your height.  Oh I’m tall, am I?  Well you’re freakin’ short, Willow. 
17. Runway models with bad walks.  Come on.  You have one thing to do. 
18. Poor grammar, spelling, and punctuation.  Unless it’s on purpose.  then its kewl. 
19. Nicole Kidman.  Too bad you botoxed your gorgeous face into an expressionless mask. 
20. Unsalted butter. 
21. Overalls, in any incarnation.  They are not cute, have never been cute, and will never be cute.  Stop being ridiculous.     
22. Global warming.  Seriously, you guys.  Fuuuuuuuuuuck. 
23. The writing in women’s print magazines (except Jane).  Why are Esquire and GQ so much better?  **whaaaaaa** (this is the sound of my feminist rage).  
24. When guys I’m dating try to tell me what to do.  Oh helllll no, son. 
25. Homophobes. 
26. Hipsters who hate on other hipsters.  Suckah, please.  Don’t get all superior just because you refuse to shop at Urban Outfitters.  I see you in your skinny jeans. 
27. The pay in the writing business.  It’s f*ckin’ criminal.  
28. People who spit on the ground, especially in the company of ladies.  How dare you. 
29. DJs who won’t play “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)” by Whitney Houston.  Everybody hates you. 
30. People who don’t vote and aren’t ashamed of it. 
31. Beauty industry people who think they are really, really important.  It’s lip liner, not world peace.  Get real.  
32. People who do the double cheek kiss as a greeting.  This is America, not France, commie. 
33. REM.  I’m sorry.  I just do.  
34. New Yorkers who don’t respect the Oregon.  Fool, you don’t know.  You don’t even know. 
35. Sundays at Cipriani, Mondays at Butter.  Over it. 
36. Showing up backstage at fashion week with a lame point-and-shoot camera and battling for shots with freakin Italian Vogue and Bazaar.  Soooo embarrassing.  
37. Men who wear running shoes when not running.  Beat it, nerd. 
38. People who are rude to their mothers. 
39. Clubs that make you pay for water.  Isn’t that illegal? 
40. People who stop liking bands when they start getting radio play.  Has it occurred to you that the reason they’re on the radio is that they’re good?  So why are you hating? 
41. Girls who are prettier than me.  No, just kidding.  But kind of not really. 
42. When my mother leaves really, really long voice messages. 
43. People who say “____ is so hot right now.”  . 
44. The state of our social security system. 
45. Girls with flat ironed hair.  Unless they really work it. 
46. Bad pop singers who have to use pitch control on their tracks.  Why do you have a record contract?   
47. When you swipe your metrocard incorrectly and you bang your hips into the turnstile. Yeah, there’s no way to make that look cool.  
48. Going out to dinner with light eaters.  They make me feel like such a glutton. 
49. Being single. 
50. Not being single. 
51. Getting ill-grilled by chicks at industry events.  Take it reeeal easy, k? 
52. Paying to check your coat.  What, is that wire hanger made from, platinum ore? 
53. Chuck Klosterman.  What’s with the ‘tude, dude?  
54. Yoga. Bor-ing. 
55. Bands that don’t smile on stage.  Whatever, I know you’re loving it. 
56. Ordering Chinese and then forgetting the soy sauce.  I mean, what’s the point? 
57. Arrogant SOBs.  Stop trying to tell me how sicknasty you are at everything.  I don’t believe you.  
58. Drama. 
59. People who don’t apologize for being late. 
60. Cash-only cafes. 
61. Walking down Broadway in Soho on Saturdays and Sundays and any time during the month of December.  This isn’t the mall, people. It’s a sidewalk.  Stop shopping at Old Navy.  
62. 27^th St between 10^th and 11^th. 
63. Phone envy. 
64. Guys in “going out” shirts.  If I see one more striped button-down over Seven jeans I’m going to pour a green apple martini all over it. 
65. Getting into a cab and then remembering that you don’t have any cash. 
66. The a-hole who puts ten crappy songs on the jukebox and then makes you wait through them all to listen to yours. 
67. Overcooked edamame. 
68. MySpace.  No I don’t, I love it.  No, I hate it.  
69. Shorts that ride up when you run. 
70. Disappointment 
71. People who don’t know about music pre-1980. 
72. Greasy bangs.  On myself or others. 
73. Going to all the trouble to shave your legs and then not getting any.  
74. When your hair gets sucked into the back of the hair dryer and you have to rip it out. That sh*t ain’t right. 
75. http://www.lastnightsparty.com/  
76. Dorian’s on the Upper East Side 
77. People who have cars in New York.  Like, why? 
78. Guys who don’t dance.  
79. Snooty cafés that don’t serve brewed coffee, only americanos.  
80. Murray Hill. 
81. Cab drivers who won’t take you to Brooklyn.  And cab drivers who don’t know where they’re going once they get to Brooklyn. 
82. Men who are perfect in every way but shorter than me. 
83. Loft beds. 
84. My neighborhood, sometimes: it has nothing you need but everything you want and can’t afford. 
85. People who are too stupid to know that they’re dumb. 
86. Food poisoning. 
87. Men who ask you out for a second date while still on the first.  The answer is no. 
88. Back fat. 
89. Living 3,000 miles away from your wonderful family. 
90. Paying $75 for a haircut and not looking $75 hotter. 
91. How awkward I can be sometimes. 
92. People who like to flirt by making really blunt observations about you, like “wow, you’re really awkward.”  Or maybe they’re not flirting.  Oh….damn. 
93. People who talk about poo.  Totally inappropriate.  I’m a motherf*ckin lady. 
94. Two-in-one shampoo/conditioner. 
95. Walking down Bowery after 10 pm.  Scary! 
96. Weak handshakes. 
97. Firm mattresses. 
98. Trying to run with earbuds. 
99. When your friends move to stupid places far away. 
100. Forgetting to enjoy it while it lasts.

The thing about New York is that it can be as ugly or as beautiful as you want it to be. At any given moment, the city may be the most loved and most detested spot on the map all at once.

Gary J. Cooper, New York resident and photographer, chooses to see his Gotham as a constant source of fascination, awe and excitement. His current exhibition of images, dedicated to the dynamic city he calls home, is being shown at is Soho Studios throughout November and is fueled by the energy of our sweet and tart NYC.

A red skyline pierced by the Empire State Building, a pedestrian in the middle of a not-so-pedestrian stride, and a little musical interlude at a Chelsea subway stop are all caught through Cooper’s inspired lens.

“Fall into Gotham” is a reminder, set in autumnal tones of gold and orange, that this city is well worth falling for, or at least looking at through another’s eyes.

For more information about the “Fall into Gotham” Exhibit, log on to www.fallintogotham.net where you can even vote for your favorite image.

To visit, please make an appointment by calling 917-969-0203.

The studio is located at:
131 Varick St. (at Spring st.)
STUDIO 936
New York, NY 10013

Candyland For Some Real Sweet Cheeks: Monopoly, Sephora Edition
By Gillian Weeks

Have you ever thought life was just one big makeover Drab to fab from cradle to grave? That’s how Sephora sees it, and they’re giving you a chance to adjust your whole perspective. This Christmas, gather around the Monopoly board game – Sephora Edition. Earn beauty bucks, buy up properties like Blow Out Boulevard, Curl-de-Sac, and Gloss Gardens, and pay fines for streaky self-tanner. The way I see it, it’s just one big metaphor: for every case of split ends, there’s a deep conditioning treatment just around the corner. Play on, ladies, play on.

Motherhood 8,000 Miles Removed: Outsourcing Childbirth to India
By Gillian Weeks

There’s a story out of India that’s quickly becoming the political perfect storm. It combines elements of economic outsourcing and reproductive rights, two issues that alone have the power to draw whole counties to the polls and disrupt peaceful dinner parties. In villages across India, you see, American families are hiring young women to carry their unborn child to term – that is, America is now outsourcing childbirth.

This doesn’t sit well with everyone. Bioethicists, evangelicals, and feminists alike have been grappling with the implications of this practice. Some question the rights of the birth mothers. Others point to what they see as typical colonial exploitation. Still more express a concern that the new-found ease of surrogacy will encourage fertile couples to hand over their birthing duties. All in all, it’s a lot of hubbub.

But once you shake off all that indignation and try on a little cold hard rationality, it all starts to sound like a fuss over nothing.

Let’s start with the surrogacy part. This is old news in America, and not particularly controversial. We’re fine with it here, so why not on the sub-continent?

Now let’s think about the outsourcing element. We consume an enormous amount of foreign goods and services, including ones that are physically demanding on the workers. Isn’t childbirth just another labor-intensive product (no pun intended)?

Still, the fact of the matter is that the issue fails the smell test. In other words, there’s something about outsourcing childbirth that gives us the ethical heebie jeebies. You could chalk it up to our emotional reaction to anything related to female sexuality and reproduction. Or you could say that we’re uneasy using (or exploiting) the bodies of the poor and vulnerable as, bluntly, birthing machines.

But I believe the real objection comes from the fear that we’re putting a distance between mother and child. Traditional surrogacy – that which takes place in the United States – is expensive and fraught with legal complications. It will likely continue to be the rare exception, restricted to women unable to give birth the old fashioned way. If, by removing the barriers of cost and legal complexity, off-shore surrogacy becomes a more popular option for the hard-driving professional woman, are we stretching the cord of motherhood to a breaking point?

New Yorkers have never spent much time in the kitchen, so don’t expect them to start now. If basting a turkey all day isn’t your idea of a good time, then hit up any one of the classy joints that will serve turkey with all the fixins. Here’s the Beauty News run-down of the best bets. Be sure to call for menu details.

And don’t forget that your local diner will most likely be hosting a slightly scaled down version of the Thanksgiving feast. For some more tips on how to make the most of this Thursday, check out BN’s How To section.

Room With A View at the Helmsley Park Lane Hotel on CPS hosts a lavish Thanksgiving feast

Jane
For a dining experience just as darling as its name implies, check out Jane of the Village. For $45 you get three course prix fixe meal of the New American variety. Just be wary: plain Janes have been known to serve up something surprising.
100 W Houston (at Thompson)
(888) 316-3975

The Harrison
Visit The Harrison for some American cuisine that’s not exactly “of the people.” This is one elegant pilgrim. Get yourself a $65 Thanksgiving dinner from menu of classy options.
355 Greenwich St (at Harrison)
(212) 274-93

Marion’s Continental Restaurant and Lounge
Marion’s promises to indulge all your worst habits with pumpkin bisque, Amish turkey and honey crisp apple crumb pie. Dinner is $45 for adults and $17.50 for kids with seatings at 2pm, 4pm, 6pm, and 8pm.
345 Bowery (at Great Jones St.)
(212) 475-7621

THOR
Hotel Rivington’s in house restaurant, THOR, will be serving the closest thing to down home cooking this side of Broadway featuring organic roasted turkey, carved right at the table (rather than by your electric knife weilding dad). Butternut squash soup, apple fig stuffing, sweet and mashed potatoes and string beans round out the menu.
107 Hotel Rivington (between Ludlow and Essex)
212-796-8040

Chubo Restaurant
For a holiday meal slightly less wallet-lightening, Chubo will also be taking reservations for Thanksgiving dinner. Chef and owner Claude Chassagne usually tailors his menu to reflect a more global approach to cuisine, but on this day, the usual standards are in full effect.
6 Clinton Street (off E. Houston)
212-674-6300

Central Park BoatHouse
Traditional cuisine gets fancied up to go along with the charming lakeside view. Enjoy fall foliage at its Manhattan best while giving thanks for the fact that you’re able to indulge yourself with some fine Thanksgiving day fixins. Priced in the Lake Room: three courses, $60; children, $30; Garden Room: parties over eight, $50 each; children, $25 with Seating from Noon-8 p.m.
Park Dr. N. at 72nd St.
212-517-2233

Agave
This southwestern inspired restaurant offers a $45, three course prix-fix menu that includes one cocktail such as a hot apple manzana or the pumpkin pie eggnog. Guests, with a reservation, can look forward to appetizers such as an autumn leaf salad or a Texas blue crab chowder. Entrees stay in the southwestern flavor with a pumpkin seed crusted salmon filet or a cider brined Hudson Valley Turkey. Save room for dessert, because Agave plans, among other choices, a coconut macadamia pumpkin pie as well as a sweet potato pecan flan.
140 Seventh Ave. South
(212) 989-2100

Zoà«
For an all-American event with emphasis on seasonal and local products, head to Zoà« on Prince Street where Chef Michael Kaphan will prepare a $59 three-course menu for the grown-ups and another three-course menu for children. Have a vegetarian in your midst? Zoà« offers tasty options such as roasted hen-of-the-woods mushrooms and blue Hubbard squash risotto. About 450 patrons who will be offered a choice of 250 American wines and 30 wines by the glass.
90 Prince St.
(212) 966-6722

Café Gray
For a platinum level Thanksgiving, Café Gray is the place to be. Above Columbus Circle, a few lucky families will get the best seats to view the Macy’s Parade, gourmet style. Starting with breakfast at 8:30 a.m., patrons will watch the parade live and on large plasma screen TVs. Kids will be treated to a comedy and magic show before parents can learn the art of carving from Gray Kunz himself. The pastry chef will follow with a dessert demonstration. Dinner will be served early, at 12:30 p.m. The tab for all this merriment? $500 per person.
10 Columbus Circle
(212) 823-6338

Cesca
This Upper West Side, Mission-inspired restaurant offers traditional holiday menu options as well as rustic Italian dishes. On Thanksgiving, patrons will receive a three course meal which will include an antipasta, a choice of an entrée of either turkey, yellow fin tuna, a market fish or a heritage pork chop. The meal is $75 for adults and $40 for children under 12. Seating between 2:30pm and 8pm.
164 W. 75th St.
(212) 787-6300

Asiate
Not feeling quite so patriotic? Go for French-Asian fusion at Asiate, which ups the ante with some edgy Thanksgiving choices. Make a tradition out of sticky rice pudding. You get three courses at $95 for adults and $55 for children. Seatings noon to 8 pm.
80 Columbus Circle, at 60th St
212-805-8881

Tanoreen
Here’s one kind of fusion that might not be so peaceful – except, of course, to the palate: Middle Eastern meets down home Southern. You’ll find some exotic stuffing in your deep fried turkey. Throw down $35 for three courses. Seatings from noon to 4 pm.
7704 Third Ave., nr. 77th St.
718-748-5600

Tempo
Candlelight and rustic Italian ambiance offers turkey with Mediterranean fare like the house-made porchetta. Three courses will run a forgiving $29.95 and they’re seating from 1 p.m.-2:30 p.m. with an à  la carte menu from 3p.m.-8:30 p.m.
256 Fifth Ave., nr. Carroll St.
718-636-2020

TABLE 36 ON THE RING
By Amber Roniger

The RITA HAYWORTH ALZHEIMER’S ASSOCIATION GALA EVENT last Tuesday’s eve at the Waldorf Astoria was an affair to remember, both for its extravagance and altruism. And my golden ticket opportunity to get all duded to the nines for a rightly relevant and vital cause. Psyche!

Before lapsing into a storied breakdown of my ferocious attire though, let’s spend a quick moment on a more subdued tenor. Alzheimer’s disease is a fatal illness with no known cure. Its effects are far-reaching – almost everyone has been affected by Alzheimer’s in one way or another. Numbers show that a new case of dementia apparently arises every seven seconds and that by 2040, there will be over 80 million suffering worldwide. Some rather sober realities to contemplate…

I do admit that despite the seriousness of the subject, I’m elated to be invited to such a major hobnobby affair. But jubilation rapidly spirals into panic as the reality of “black tie” sets in. I have absolutely nothing to wear. Nothing I tell you! Total fashion meltdown… That’s when a sublime plan begins to take hatch – to connive some wonderful designers in mein Rolodex into adorning my black-tie-going-bod with some of their phenomenal pieces. Could I really pull it off? I cunningly craft my plea so as to portray that I’m doing them the favor (tee-hee). Miraculously, all the designers I appeal to agree to my proposition.

After all is said and done, this regular gal is outfitted, draped and beglittered like a fairy-princess in a rocking, glimmery chocolate-brown gown and faux-fur wrap by Johannesburg-born designer and atelier to the Greek goddesses – for reals peeps – ANGELO LAMBROU. I’ll tell you what, ladies, his corset cocktail dresses will have you happily sucking it in, all for the glorious glory of fashion. Rummaging the goodie racks in Angelo’s shiny little East Vill boutique, getting fitted by the designer himself, maybe indulging in a nice pour of S. African Chardonnay (every bit as good as the French, if you ask moi) is a bit of a fashion aphrodisiac, a twinge euphoric on the shopping-brain. Thank you, Angelo, darling… for the bodacious duds. Moving on…

My own eyes practically bugger out at the huge (read: mammoth) diamond pearl drop earrings and classic emerald and diamond ring I’m brandishing courtesy of Mz. KIMBERLY MCDONALD, fiiiine jewelry curator to women of luxe and lofty taste. Ice baby, smoooth. Good lord, I’m fetching in glossy girly-bobbles. Is that vain? Whatever… every girl looks a nip shinier in stunner rocks. I briefly consider making a run for the border, but gratefully my better senses kick back in. Kimberly, you hooked a sister up…

My ‘date,’ Mz. Svetlana Sky (owner of HIGH CHAI TEAROOM – a gauche and shameless plug? so sue me!), exhibits wearable art on her tender countenance, handcrafted by resident genius from the east, Mz. TATIANA of TAT TANK-A (www.finearttanka.com). Ladies, do me this solid and indulge my silliness, take a real close eyeful of Svetlana’s jewelry and tell me what you see. Come on now, don’t be shy, you know what it is… with that pearl in the center… The official list name is “Feminine.” (Btw, the Star of David yours-truly is flaunting also by Tatiana – shtetl-fabulous, baby.)

As we round the corner into the Silver Corridor on the third floor of the WA, I can’t help experiencing a nostalgic wave flashing back to the grandest bat mitzvah I (n)ever attended. Svet and I float past the silent auctions and refracting celebrities to grab some bubbly before parking it at Table 36 on the ring in the Grand Ballroom. This joint defies posh.

Our table is most graciously hosted by the ESTATE OF GEOFFREY BEENE, huge in the philanthropic fashion world (you high-flying mavens should know). Check the vintage gown on my lovely tablemate, modeling classic Geoffrey Beene rock ‘n roll studded glitz, transcending ever so effortlessly into contemporary edgy couture.

Everyone turns their attention toward the stage to PRINCESS YASMIN AGA KHAN, arguably the world’s foremost crusader to find a cure for Alzheimer’s disease. A bit of quick Googling informs me that Yasmin is the royal daughter of Rita Hayworth and The Aga Kahn (anyone with the word ‘the’ in their name is not to be trifled with). Princess Yasmin (not the only princess in the room anymore – disappointed!) cared for her famous mother in the final stages of her life. Greatly affected by her mother’s battle with Alzheimer’s, Yesmin devoted her talents to raising funds to find a cure. She holds too many positions of esteem on different boards and charities to list, but we can pretty well conclude that Princessa is serious about her fundraising. Not coincidentally, the Rita Hayworth Gala event is the most successful Alzheimer’s fund raising event in the world. Last Tuesday pulled in over $3.1 million smackers for the Alzheimer’s Association. None too shabby for an evening’s schmooze, eh?

The gala event certainly proved to be fabulous and o’ so glam. And even though I’d been on a cleansing fast since the previous week (thanks again Dr. Jubbs!), I’ll confess that I inhaled every crumb, scrap and vestige of creamy sauce from my veggie plate; including some buttery risotto timbale borrowed from Svet’s fish fry. Damn right I’ll break my fast for a grand a plate! I even caught myself enjoying dancing to live Michael McDonald. Did I just admit that on paper?

PS: It’s also worth noting that the Waldorf Astoria may well be the best spot in town to catch a cab, a veritable taxi vortex for the rich and fabulous.

Rita Hayworth Alzheimer’s Association:
(800) 272-3900
NY Gala Tickets:
(212) 843-1712
www.alz.org
alz@hgnyc.com

Angelou Lambrou
96 East 7th Street
(212) 460-9870
www.angelolambrou.com
info@angelolambrou.com

KimberlyMcDonald.com
(212) 988-5711
www.kimberlymcdonald.com
kmcdonaldnyc@gmail.com

Tat Tank-A
www.finearttanka.com
tank-a@yandex.ru

A chance to visit a show devoted to chocolate is like being offered a knighthood or a Nobel Prize: you simply don’t pass up the opportunity.

Chocolate has a myriad of uses (think comfort food, molé sauce…it was also used to represent blood in the famous shower scene in Hitchcock’s Psycho!). But let’s face it, if you’re a chocoholic like I am, it simply doesn’t matter how versatile it is, or what form of chocolate you choose to love. Truffles, macaroons and brownies are all fair game for your most indulgent cravings.

It’s little wonder that New York plays host to the nation’s largest homage to chocolate. The 9th Annual Chocolate Show was held at the Altman Building from November 9-12th, and brought together the best confectioners from Kyoto to Kansas.

The event kicked off with a fashion show in which models wore chocolate-studded clothing created by designers including Abaete, Adrienne Landau, Nicole Romano and Rafe. Each designer teamed up with a well-known pastry chef to produce chocolate inspirations that ranged from a headpiece modeled after New York skyscrapers, to a pair of angelic chocolate wings. With all those sumptuous aromas wafting over the crowd, I’m sure the models felt extra hungry that night.

The costumes were elaborate and painstakingly put together, and the models’ hair was done by Aveda’s stylists, and the makeup by Sephora. Creations included a mosaic-studded cashmere robe and a Marie Antoinette-inspired dress ruffled with chocolate lace and buttons. To view scenes from the chocolate fashion show, click on our video PODCAST.

The real treat was the maze of chocolatiers with their amazing confections on display for all to enjoy, taste and purchase. Ganache, ballotins, liquer truffles, chocolate-dipped fruit (even potato crisps!) and chocolate fountains all made their appearance, much to the delight of my sweet tooth and to the dismay of my Weight Watchers points.

Here are some of our top picks from the show. Mary Chocolatier (not to be confused with Mary’s Chocolates), from Belgium, made their United States debut at the chocolate show. The store in Belgium is appropriately located on Rue Royale, and is considered the holy grail of chocolate. Their confections are handmade and pricey, but they are listed in the “1,000 places to See Before You Die” guide, and may well be worth the cost. The web site, www.mary.be, even has a picture of President Bush visiting the store.

A surprising encounter was Hershey’s (www.hersheys.com) new “Cacao Reserve” chocolates, which also made their debut at the show. A self-proclaimed Hershey’s snob, I was wooed by their new dark chocolate squares, made up of 35%, 65% and 70% dark chocolate. Soon, they will be available at local stores so you can finally taste something delectable from the brand.

Other notables included Fairytale Brownies (www.brownies.com), whose twelve varieties of brownies is a perfect gift to give a hostess or co-worker; Marquise De Sevigne chocolates (www.marquise-de-sevigne.com) whose exquisite rococo packaging would make even Marie Antoinette drool; and Romanicos Chocolate (www.romanicos.com), whose 38-calorie truffles will fit into any dieter’s regimen without compromising on taste.

So though you may be thinking of basting that turkey, don’t forget to get that ever-popular crowd pleaser, chocolate. As Lucy Van Pelt says in the Peanuts comic strip, “All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt!”

GET A LITTLE GLAMOUR ON THANKSGIVING

Who says you can’t eat Turkey in style? Come to Bergdorf Goodman’s Beauty Level on the 24th and 25th of November, and receive expert advice on holiday glamour from the pros at Awake Cosmetics. Plus you’ll get a chance to purchase the limited edition Stardom Holiday Collection (a $118 value) for a mere $45.

You’ll also receive a special gift with purchase during this event. To reserve your spot, call (212) 872 8648.

Going Grassroots Was Never So Stylish:
The Cruel vs. Cool Contest Heats Things Up Humanely
By Gillian Weeks

The winners: Auguste, Orr, and Widjojo

Cruella DeVilles of the world take note: you can still get show stopping style without adding to the death toll. The Cruel vs. Cool contest, sponsored by the Humane Society and The Art Institutes, teaches us that fur substitutes have a place in any designer’s arsenal. Hundreds of Art Institute students from schools around the country offered their fur-free interpretations of classic looks, and from these a handful were chosen to present their creations in New York. The winning garments boldly proclaim that glamour doesn’t have to come at the ultimate price.

Before I arrived at Sol, where the awards event was being held, I was expecting the typical activist crowd – peasant skirts, dream catcher earrings, and wool socks with birkenstocks. I felt lucky to be wearing my imitation leather biker jacket, although my choice of vinyl had more to do with my finances than environmental sensitivity. I braced myself for a cloud of patchouli and ducked inside.

There wasn’t a dreadlock in sight. Animal rights activism has lately become the territory of the chicest members of the fashion community. They want you to know that while old school glamour is never out of style, fur clothes and trimmings are decidedly passé. Up-and-coming designers, like third place winner Neisha Orr from Bradley Academy of Visual Arts, have promised to strike fur products from their future repertoire. With this shift in attitudes, fur in fashion might be going the way of the buffalo.

Jay McCarroll and Nora Caliguri from Project Runway Season 1

Jay McCarroll, the winner of Project Runway Season One, observed that designers have no excuse to abstain from cruelty-free products. “It’s not a real stretch of creativity to design without fur,” he says. “I mean, there are, like, seven hundred other kinds of fabrics out there.”

Annie Judah of the Humane Society reports that the biggest challenge of the campaign is to change perceptions of fur itself. “People don’t realize that it’s not fabric – it’s hair and skin,” she says. The jarring footage of a Canadian seal hunt, presented at the event, was enough to drive the message home.

From left to right: the designs of Ricardo Auguste, Marisa Widjojo, Neisha Orr

The contest winners – Marisa Widjojo, Ricardo Auguste, and Neisha Orr – will certainly go on to deliver cruelty-free fashion. The rest of it depends on scene makers and trendsetters to take up the charge (that’s right – I’m talking to you). The Humane Society’s Pierre Grzybowski notes that “trends in fashion can influence the amount of suffering in the world.” Don’t think of it as a sacrifice – after all, I looked damn good in vinyl.

You know that classically demure response to any apparel accolade? The one that goes something like “Oh darling, this old thing” or “My dear, I just threw this on”? Uh, yeah. Overplayed. So this holiday season don’t bother using that one. Let’s make a pact here and now that when paid a generous and most deserving compliment we shall say proclaim loudly, “Thank you, I DO look fabulous in my new ‘fit, don’t I?! Now where’s my champagne!”

With Thanksgiving only a week away, this year’s holiday party season has officially begun and I’m the kind of gal who won’t take another round of last season’s duds for an answer. Unless you plan to hide out in your little bell tower a la Quasimodo for the rest of the year, it’s about that time to go party dress shopping.

On hand to help you win all the deserving praise your heart can handle is www.edressme.com, an online resource with over 20 brand name designers and dresses for just about every occasion (including that “non-fussy, non-holiday” fussy holiday party). Especially for our readers, through November, www.edressme.com is offering 20% off a Jill Stuart dress when you enter “beautynews” as your promotional code. To make doubly sure you have enough pocket money to call a cab afterwards, the site also offers special bargains every Saturday and Sunday.

There’s no excuse to play wall flower or even try your hand at a little southern belle charm this season. You’re all New York, my loves, so dress accordingly! Browse through the latest fashions at www.edressme.com and don’t forget to enter “beautynews” as your promotional code for any Jill Stuart dress this month.

BeautyNews Embed Catches Some Heat: On the Front Lines at H&M
By Gillian Weeks

Have you ever looked death in the face? Stood in the crosshairs of an icy assassin? Froze before the oncoming rush of your certain demise?

Well, readers, I have, and all in the name of fashion. I found myself staring down a gang of couture hungry women, pawing the ground like a herd of Spanish bulls. They had been standing outside of the Fifth Avenue H&M for hours, the line stretching around the building and halfway down 51st street. I gloated privately when I was allowed to slip through the press entrance, but as I heard the front doors groan against the press of bodies, I wondered who might have caught my smirk. My cheeks flushed, my breath sputtered, and I think I might have peed a little.

Why the stampede, you ask? H&M has recently partnered with the Swedish designers Viktor & Rolf to create affordable high-fashion, and this was the first moment that savvy shoppers could get their hands on the goods. I could see why there was such a rush. V&R have produced a line that is feminine, simple, and just a little bit punk rock – sexy secretary mixed with brooding hipster. I would have done some of my own shopping if I cared less for my limbs. After all, there aren’t a lot of knit blouses that can inspire riots.

The line is available for both men and women and styles range in price from about $40 for tops to $100 for dresses and $300 for a men’s tuxedo-suit. You can find these fashions at the H&M located at 51st Street and 5th Avenue. Supplies are indeed limited, so get there quick to scoop up what the marauders left behind!

Fly Below the Radar in Style: Hot Spots For You Women of Mystery
By Gillian Weeks, if that is my real name

With the premier of the new Bond film, Casino Royale, all of us are inspired to inject a little intrigue into our all too up-and-up lives. Allow me to acquaint you with the hottest spots for clandestine activity. Just make sure you’re packing heat.

The Bourgeois Pig (on 7th Street between 1st and A)
The best place for a night out with your man on the side. With chocolate fondue, fine cheeses, and a wine list that’s heavy on full-bodied reds – not to mention the mood lighting and Baroque décor – this place is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You know, just in case his guilty conscience needs some extra convincing.

The Lobby Lounge at the Mandarin Oriental (80 Columbus Circle at 60th Street, 35th Floor)
Whatever way you take it – shaken, stirred, up, or on the rocks – the Lobby Lounge at the Mandarin Oriental is bound to give it to you garnished with mystery. The elegant space is dimly lit, all the better for gazing at the spectacular view of Columbus Circle and handing off secret documents. The sensitive nature of your mission means you had better be good at running in heels. You might arrive by elevator, but you’re exiting by zip-line to the park.

Moomia (157 Lafayette St between Grand and Howard)
You’ll find some shifty eyes and shady characters hiding behind the clouds of sweet smelling smoke at Moomia. Alright, so it might be a trick of the imagination, but I’ve got to wonder why one would hide behind a hookah. Soak up enough Egyptian tea and exotic tongues and you’ll start seeing Mata Haris, too. Brush up on your Arabic to come fully prepared.

You might not be juggling enriched uranium or fending off twenty ninjas, but I think you’ll find that New York nightlife offers plenty of chances to practice your own brand of espionage. Just remember to stay on the move. You don’t want to blow your cover.

The task of explaining the retail jackpot that is “Lucky Shops” to a non-shopper is much like trying to rationalize the comeback of the legging…you just don’t do it. For some, paying for the opportunity to shop may indicate the beginnings of some sort of incurable madness. Among the more fashion savvy, however, we recognize “Lucky Shops”, a two day event coordinated by Lucky Magazine, as that rare chance to completely immerse ourselves in our favorite (and sometimes new favorite) brands, most selling at up to 70% off the retail price. Add to that equation complimentary drinks, music worthy of a VIP loft party, and the best darn goodie bag in town and you’ve practically got yourself a bargain.

Apparently, we at Beauty News weren’t the only ones in the city with a keen shopping sense. Knowing a good thing when they find it, shoppers flocked to the Wednesday night Pre-Sale Party at Gotham Hall, joined by fashion know-it-alls such as Uli of Project Runway fame and stylist to the stars, June Ambrose, to enjoy the best that Lucky had to offer.

And just proving that great shoppers can also be great givers, proceeds of all purchases at “Lucky Shops” went towards this year’s charity partner, Baby Buggy, a non-profit organization dedicated towards helping New York’s needy families. See! We really DO shop smart in these parts.

For a full listing of vendors, check out www.luckyshops.com

Further information on Baby Buggy can also be found at www.babybuggy.org

International Dermal Institute’s first ever “Savvy Shopper Meets Skin Care” event. To register, visit www.dermalogica.com/DermaConsumerClass or email rsvp@dermalogica.com

Kudos for Kamali
By Lauren Baccus

Anyone who can wrangle cozy grey jersey into high fashion deserves a special note of praise. The fact that Norma Kamali has gone one step further and made life even more manageable by creating a line of travel friendly cosmetics, however, is enough to make her a permanent fixture in the hearts of every woman.

A peek into her Upper West Side shop reveals not only a collection heavy on the gold foil and jersey, but also an extensive wellness and beauty line, with an emphasis on natural and organic ingredients. In addition to airline approved travel kits of face cream, self tanner, soaps and even teas, Kamali has created a veritable cosmetic and gourmet buffet for every craving of the mind, body and spirit. Floral tones of rose, violet, lavender, and jasmin punctuate the line of beauty products and even provide inspiration behind her “Lovely Bubbly” soft drinks and syrups.

The store with the flapping neon colored flags has become the hot spot for wellness, relaxation and a low stress travel season. After all, some of the best gifts we can give ourself are the ones that keep us healthy, happy and well.

For more information about the Norma Kamali Wellness line and for information about the store, contact:
11 West 56 Street (Between 5th and 6th)
212-957-9797
www.normakamalicollection.com
www.normakamaliwellness.com

C’mon Baby, Let’s Go To Vegas

Welcome to the Jungle: Shopping and Surviving Century 21
By Gillian Weeks

It’s just like the Prada store!! Or not.

There is something about Century 21 that’s a little bit medieval. To pass these gates – or rather, automatic doors – is to undertake a holy mission, complete with trials, quests, and the worst gauntlet this side of the Crusades. The hope is that you’ll emerge clutching the grail of retail, but you might not even emerge at all. When it comes to Century 21, foolish is the woman who combs the racks without fear.

Below are a few suggestions to assist you, my loyal and devoted readers, in navigating the superstore. Use it as a loose guide: how to spot the gems, dodge ferocious employees, and maintain your virtue in the dressing rooms. It’s time to mount up and charge the discount fortress.

NEON GREEN! NO!

1) Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
I had the misfortune of stopping by Century 21 on a Saturday afternoon. Picture the cast of Night of the Living Dead, but better smelling and a lot lighter on their feet. Men, women, and children lurched down the aisles and between the racks, groping for bargains and jostling for space. They wouldn’t have seen me unless I had a price tag dangling from my bottom lip. Remember to stay on your toes and keep moving. If you must reach for an item, do it quick. This is the height of drive-by shopping.

2) The wheat and the fugly, fugly chaff.
Century 21 really brings out the patriot in me. Because I believe that Century 21 is America. Where else can you find a neon green angora shrug hanging next to a Prada boustier? Or vinyl knee high boots next to suede Mary Janes? The fact that such disparate fabrics can coexist recalls the great American melting pot – in this case, a highly flammable, potentially toxic melting pot. It’s a beautiful thing.

But just in case you prefer segregation when it comes to your shopping experience, here are the key spots to hit. Check out the denim section: there are looks from the top manufacturers, including Joe’s, Citizens of Humanity, True Religion, and Imitation of Christ. A lot of C21′s formal and semiformal dresses are also pretty cutting-edge (think Carolina Herrera and a little Dolce), and though many of them still might break the bank, they are at huge discounts from the original prices. I managed to pick up a very tasteful grey wrap dress from their professional clothing section, which was mercifully less jumbled than the rest of the women’s department.

3) Live Nude Girls!
If you ask me, I think the female body is totally underexposed in this day and age. There’s so much pressure on young women to keep covered up. I’m tired of celebrities like Paris Hilton and Tara Reid always pushing their clothed form in our faces, themselves an altar to sins of modesty and ladylike good taste.

Thank God Century 21 is doing its part to reverse that unfortunate trend. The dressing room stalls provide all the privacy of a bunk bed at sleep-away camp. From a distance, the curtain might cover up the crucial elements of your anatomy, but you don’t get a distance. You get inches. It’s best to keep your eyes glued to your reflection if you want to avoid booby-overload. And, I’d recommend not wearing a thong.

Foot Odor

4) Man-up.
As by now you can imagine, Century 21 is not for the faint of heart. Don’t wander in seeking retail therapy. These discounts come at a price – namely, your sanity. When you hold its cement faà§ade in your steely gaze, ask yourself if you’re shopper enough to enter. If you feel less Lancelot than Lambchop, head uptown to Madison Avenue. I hear it’s a lot more Enlightenment.

Century 21 is located at 22 Cortlandt Street between Broadway and Church Street.

This coming Sunday, Tahir Boutique of the Lower East Side celebrates its new location and sets your retail pulse racing. Just the promise of vintage Dior is enough to get you all hot and bothered, and offering it at a 20% discount might just get Tahir charged with reckless endangerment. The boutique serves up their usual mixture of new designers and old favorites along with Juara’s botanical skincare line. The shopping bacchanalia will be held on Sunday, November 12th from 1 pm to 6 pm. Complementary hand treatments, snacks, and drinks will be provided; bring your own defibrillator and oxygen tank.

Tahir Boutique is located at 75 Orchard Street between Broome and Grande Streets.

“Scattered Joy” by Alexandra Puertas Seegers
A photographic celebration of Asian women and children
By Irene Fogarty

In my career as a “writer,” I suppose I’ve written quite a lot: ads for dangerously fast Italian snowboards, numerous cover letters, emails and green card applications for my European friends, not to mention many articles on organic living for BeautyNewsNYC. But when faced with the challenge of putting words to a photography book, a visual memento of a woman from the West whose relentless curiosity took her to the Far East, my “way with words” got lost somewhere.

After many unsuccessful attempts to complement the rich photography, I decided why rely on my own literary skills when there’s someone else’s. Whose exactly? Just about everybody’s – from Buddha to Bono. “Scattered Joy”, is full of provocative and perceptive insights from provocative and perceptive people like Katherine Hepburn, Oscar Wilde, Mahatma Ghandi, John Lennon, Confuscius, Yeats, Eleanor Roosevelt, Mother Teresa, the late John Paul II, Picasso as well as ancient Indian and Chinese proverbs and prayers.

Hours and hours pouring over quote books, reading up on Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism, checking the spelling of Rhajistan over and over, and almost 18 months of many late nights after long days working in a big ad agency, the text of “Scattered Joy” came together. I can’t say this journey was anything like that of the photographer’s, but it was nonetheless one worth enduring.

Perhaps the real reward of “Scattered Joy” is that there are many lessons to be learned from these simple encounters. Lessons about humanity, kindness, and understanding that only cultures poor in material wealth, yet rich in “spirituality”, could imbue. It’s also responsible for my fascination with Asia and my three trips in one year.

Through dignifying, colorful and joyful images that distill the essence of our humanity, “Scattered Joy” captures moments of the daily lives of women (and children) in some of the world’s most remote places. To add to the book’s visual richness is a selection of accompanying proverbs and provocative insights from Buddha to Bono.

What emerges is a realization that whatever religion or language, tribe or tradition, the women of the world are simply women: feminine, powerful and mysterious. “Scattered Joy” is a visual journey that transcends cultures, barriers and customs. One that reminds us no matter where we are in the world we all have the same needs, beliefs, and sentiments.

To see the BeautyNewsNYC podcast of the launch of Scattered Joy at the Tibet House on Oct 12th, click on Scattered Joy Podcast. To buy a copy of Scattered Joy, go to http://www.scatteredjoy.org and for more of the beauty news for today visit the City Pulse.

A Public Service Announcement from BeautyNews NYC

“Ads Matter: Celebrating Advertising and Social Impact”
By the NYPL at the Library for Science, Industry and Business
118 Madison Avenue (between 34th and 35th)
Through November 30th
Free

It’s important to have a healthy diet, but at some point you have to draw the line. At least that’s what I tell myself. I’ll willingly give up potato chips, twinkies, and hamburgers, but you’ll have to pry the saltshaker and creamy salad dressing out of my cold, dead hands.

That’s how I used to feel about pasta, too. I believed I’d never give up all that starchy, carby goodness even if I ballooned to phone booth proportions. All of my lady friends, particularly my sisters in sveltness, kept pushing the whole-wheat variety, trumpeting its low-cal virtues. You can keep your fiber, I told them. I want the real thing.

And then one day a chance meeting of mouth to morsel changed all of that. A dish of whole-wheat pasta, disguised, as it were, in thick tomato sauce, found its way into my dinner. When a friend revealed the switch, I was angry, even hurt. But as the full impact of the experience began to evolve in my consciousness, I opened up to a whole new world of cereals and grains.

It was beautiful.

DeCecco, producer of fine Italian pasta, is making it possible for all of you to have similar experiences. They will be offering their new line of whole-wheat pastas at Cipriani Le Specialita (110 E. 42nd Street) today through November 7th. Show your marathon number and get a dish on the house. Proceeds will go to fund City Harvest, New York’s first food rescue organization, which will collect 20 million pounds of food from the food service industry.

Go to Cipriani to taste the glory, but be sure to bring an empty stomach and an open mind.

Join the Laugh Riot at the New York Comedy Festival: The Ultimate Ab Workout
By Gillian Weeks

Just in case you’re underwhelmed by the hilarity of the upcoming midterm elections, next week brings you something on the lighter side – the New York Comedy Festival. It includes performances from some of the biggest names in stand-up, such as Howie Mandel, Dane Cook, and Denis Leary, as well as many noteworthy up-and-comers. Here are my picks for the best of the bunch:

- Wednesday, November 8th: Comedy Cares for the Homeless, 8 pm at Town Hall. Tired at laughing at someone’s expense? Try laughing for someone’s benefit. One ticket gets you an evening of sizzling comedy – Louis CK, Patrice O’Neal, Paula Poundstone, Caroline Rhea, and other special guests. A good crack-up might just bring a smile to someone else’s face.

- Thursday, November 9th: A Conversation with Robert Smigel, 6:30pm at the Museum of TV and Radio. If you plan on attending this event, don’t have any reverence for your childhood toys and cartoon heroes. After all, it’s always jarring to see animated superheroes with anatomy that goes way, way beyond Barbie standards. Come learn from the man behind (or inside) Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and SNL’s TV Funhouse animated shorts. Just get ready to see a hand puppet with one hell of a dirty mouth.

- Friday, November 10th: Denis Leary, 8 pm at Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center. There’s something about Denis Leary that really piques my feminist shame. It’s because I find this crass, foul-mouthed, self-proclaimed “asshole” smoking hot. I so hate confirming the “women love jerks” stereotype, but in this case it’s true. Ole Denis can cop a feel, blow a smoke ring in my direction, and call me “sugartits” any day. Swoon.

- Saturday, November 11th: “How to Tell a Joke – and How NOT To” at 2 pm at Borders Books @ Columbus Circle in the Time Warner Center. I think we’ve all had that moment: the polite smiles and averted eyes following what you were sure was a killer joke. “Get it?” you prompt. “A boiled egg is hard to beat? Hard to beat?” Next Saturday, learn from the pros how to provoke a belly laugh. A panel of proven funnymen will offer some crucial pointers and critique your craft. Test your mettle or come to listen. Either way, you’re bound to lower your cringe-to-chuckle ratio.

Go to http://www.nycomedyfestival.com/new/index.html for tickets and a full schedule.

November officially starts the holiday time of thanks and giving, and no one is taking this more to heart than Beauty News NYC. This month we’re celebrating and embracing the beautiful people. More star gazing, you groan? Hell no! I am talking about you, our loyal and luscious readers.

We’re giving a shout out this month to our supporters by giving you something special in return, a roundup of remarkable rewards that you can indulge in for 30 full days. We predict our offerings are some of the best booty you’ll be seeing this season (aside from a big Christmas bonus).

The greatest part about this grand gathering of gifts? Whether you’re a Capricorn or Aries, you can take advantage of any or all of these special deals and services associated with each astrological sign without having to shake any boxes. Just remember that if you are making an online purchase, you need to enter in the promo code. And if you are making an onsite visit to one of the places listed here, be sure to mention the promotion when you book an appointment and bring in a printed copy of the offer. So just sit back, relax and see what goodies lie among the stars…

Before I tell you about one of the best Ayurvedic lines on the market today, let me give you a quick Ayurveda 101. This way you’ll get a deeper understanding of just how steeped in history it is. Ayurveda, the Sanskrit word meaning “life science,” is the oldest system of holistic medical knowledge based on plant oils and herbs. It originated in India over 6,000 years ago.

The texts of Ayurvedic practice were collectively called the “Charaka Samhita” by the legendary physician Charaka in the 2nd century BC. The Charaka Samhita traveled with traders and scholars to China , Egypt , Arabia and Europe , influencing and laying the ground work for plant-based healing all over the world. After centuries of testing, Ayurvedic science has proven effective.

Today, the holistic wisdom of Ayurveda is gaining international popularity as an alternative and complement to modern medicine. Ayurvedic treatments satisfy every aspect of a person’s well being: physical, mental and spiritual.

Next month, you’ll learn a few Ayurvedic principles and discover what dosha you are.