City Pulse

By Razi Schwartz

Who here loves chocolate? Ok, no one? I’ll just go home then. Oh, wait, I am home. Damnit. Ok, well, what I was going to say was, I bet that everyone out there loves something chocolate … I, myself, am not a fan of, say…Hershey Bars, but I cannot get enough chocolate covered strawberries. Seriously, if I could survive off of them, I would eat them for every meal. I might start looking a little like a strawberry, but it wouldn’t matter cause I’d be in heaven dancing cheek to cheek with ole blue eyes.

I did not come here today just to go on about my love for the caffeinated sweet treat, which (if I must say) is another brilliant perk to el chocolate. WaterAid, an international NGO dedicated exclusively to the provision of safe domestic water, sanitation and hygiene education to the world’s poorest people and chocolate impresario David Siegel are hosting “Like Chocolate for Water.” Yes, a cute play on a timeless classic, but this event is bound to become a classic of its own.

Join us (by us I mean WaterAid and David) at the Remy-Toledo Gallery for this after-dinner dessert party and fundraiser. For 2-hours starting at 8:30pm, you will be spoon-fed delicious desserts and wine by a gorgeous, strapping young thing in a loin cloth. Done. I’m sold. You? Ok, maybe not spoon-fed by a loin cloth clad hunkamania, but…hell, I’ll spoon feed you if you want. Apparently there are also going to be door prizes, which I’m guessing are edible, so…let’s all do a “whoohoo!” cheer, and David will guide us through the world of dark chocolate so we can say with authority that we love it and now be able to tell our nagging mothers why.

The event costs $75, and advance tickets can be purchased at: www.eventme.com/Ticketing.aspx?Event=2vxf5iF9+P8

I know I say this a lot, but it’s true (since I only pass on the choicest events, so you don’t have to go searching for something fun and worthwhile to do with your time) … but tickets are expected to sell out so I would just clickity-click on the link above and buy your tickets asap since the event is on November 10th, and you don’t have very much time to prepare…and go to the gym to lose three pounds before gorging on all the deliciousness. At the time I wrote this, there were still tickets available, so…run my little chocophiles, run. A portion of the ticket price is tax-deductible as well, making this even more awesome than I previously thought!

Remy-Toledo Gallery: 529 West 20th St. (btwn. 10th-11th Aves). For more information, please call: 646-344-7201

Tee-off, Please
By Razi Schwartz

I’m not usually one to tell you what not to wear. Ok, ok…I will volunteer my opinion if it’s truly fugly or out-of-style or just completely unflattering. Which is why I feel compelled to make a comment on Abercrombie’s newest line of t-shirts (I think we all remember the controversy over the obnoxious “Two Wongs Make A White” t-shirt a few years back). Look, I’m not like a politically correct prude or anything, but some things are just inappropriate, especially when Big Corporate America is trying to make a buck off it.

Of the newest “attitude” and “college” tees; some are inappropriate, some are derogatory, and some are just plain stupid – not remotely funny to anyone with an IQ bigger than their shoe size. They are obviously trying reaallllly hard to be edgy and original, which is close to impossible when there are eight million of them in the world and every tweeny bopper with a credit card is buying one. Phew, that was a mouthful.

Here’s a few that stood out to me:

Womens:
Anatomy Tutor (most girls wearing these shirts don’t even have developed anatomy of their own yet)
Freshman 15 (with a list of names of guys, I’m assuming a young college ingénue has banged the you-know-what out of)
I Make You Look Fat (surprised this comes in sizes larger than XXS)
No Money, No Car, No Chance (Worn by a cute little something that can’t even see over the steering wheel of a car yet)

Mens:
Plays Well with D-Cups (just to clarify, the shirt does not specify fake or real tits)
B-Jays #1 Fan (If you don’t get this one, ask your kids for a lesson on sexual lingo)
Beaver Field (I hope you get this one, if not … dig yourself a hole)
So Many Pussies to Love (Don’t let the kitty cats fool you)
The Island of Lesbos: Every Man’s Dream (Ha, funny -eye roll- never heard this one before)
Bitches Love Me (No, we don’t)
Boss Hog Loves Cooter (Cooter, in case you didn’t know, is another word for pussy cat…)

Ok, and then the shirts that say “I’m Easy” “Blondes Are More Fun” “I (heart) Frat Boys” and “I’m Not with Stupid Anymore” are just stupid to me. I’m sorry, but, if you’re going to try to be edgy, could we at least use a little more creativity? The other aforementioned shirts are tasteless and shouldn’t, in my humble opinion, be sported by 15-year olds looking to find their personal identity. They also, and most definitely, shouldn’t be worn by intelligent women (or men) over 15…so that pretty much means that there won’t be anyone wearing these shit-for-brains tee-shirts. I flip the bird to you, Abercrombie.

Now, I found this other website called www.VintageVantage.com. This is what political incorrectness should be, people. Some are more “tasteless” than others (and some of y’all might be like, “Like, oh my god, these are, like, soooo unfunny), but…overall, I think we might all agree that these are funnier and have a stronger message than the mass-produced hogwash crap being sold to tweens who don’t know any better (and unfortunately, a few grown women wanna-be tweens – PLEASE, PLEASE STOP WEARING MINI SKIRTS, TOO).

Some favorites are:
Advertising Helps Me Decide
My Pants Are Tight, And That’s OK
Mini-Van, Mega-Fun
Smile If You’re Gay!
Who Loves Burritos?
You Belong in the Midwest
Montana Got A Big Ole Butte
Canada – Fits Your Budget

And as I sit here and finish writing this, I’ve been made aware that Abercrombie is pulling the shirts. Clearly just THINKING about this article coming out scared them stupid, they shat their pants, and pulled the t’s. I knew I was good, and I knew I had power…and now, I know I am unstoppable.

Every once in a while you’ll hear a rant from this corner. This was that rant. Thanks for listening.

Originally published November 2005
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