By Razi Schwartz
To be or not to be – been there done that. But, to stay or to stay – ok, clearly a rhetorical question, but let me tell you where you’re going to be rhetorically staying. The Hotel on Rivington. Riving-where? Yes, Rivington. The Hotel on Rivington opened on September 6th – makes it fresh and so clean, clean … and just screams fabulousness. In case you’re wondering, I was there tonight and checked it out myself, so this is a premiere personne account, peeps.
Located on Rivington (hello Captain Obvious, Protector of All things Known) between Ludlow and Essex, the Hotel takes rank as the first top notch hotel to inhabit the LES. El door-o’s were opened for me, and I strolled on in on a red carpet through a vestibule type thing that made me feel like the Queen of the party. To the right: Thor, the “hello, you’re phenomenal” restaurant headed up by chef Kurt Guttenbrunner. In case you were wondering, no it’s not an ode to Vikings of yore: Thor = The Hotel On Rivington. I love me some acronyms even though I’m terrible at them (from the gal who at one time in her life, years and years ago, thought OPEC was a plea from Aunt Bea for Opie to Please Eat Cake).
So, you’re feeling like getting out of your cramped apartment for the night – should I stay here? Mais, oui mes cheries. The rooms run from $325 to $5,000 per night, and range in size from “regular” to “penthouse.” Regular rooms are located on floors 3-8 of the hotel, and offer your basic “I need a place to sleep” room. They offer either a single king size bed or two doubles, some of the rooms have balconies, and you’ll get a true dose of Manhattan when you hear Drunky McDrunk leaving Verlaine at 4am on Saturday morning. Medium size rooms are located on floors 7-15, and offer unadulterated views of Manhattan. Some have deep, yummy tubs, others crazy-ass views. In my humble opinion, the main difference between regular and medium is – Drunky McDrunk at 4am on Saturday morning. Do you want to be all up in his jock, or slightly more removed from his fabulous self?
Large rooms, located on floors 15-20 offer outward facing showers (“wazzzuppp East River, I’ll show you a…..”), king size beds, deep tubs, and phenomenal views. Let’s face it, in Manhattan, the higher you get the more phenomenal the view. ‘Tis a fact of life. Unique rooms are where it starts gettin’ gritty – not only are we dealing with large private terraces, huge yummy beds, sweeping views, and god knows what else, I offer you the 3-person show. Menage-a-Herbal Essence, anyone?
So what are we left with? That would be the Suites, Owners Suite, and the Penthouse, bitch. Suites offer a separate living room, 2 flat screen TV’s, a guest corner, a shower for two, and an all glass bedroom. As I sit in my studio apartment filled with two human adult bodies and a cat, I say to myself “I’d take just one flat screened TV….” The Owner’s Suite – I like to think Paul Stallings and I are close friends and lends this to me on weekends even though I’ve only seen him from afar – is 1000-square feet and spans the entire 17th floor. I know you were thinking you needed an all glass master bathroom, walk-in closet, private bedroom and living room, and an additional bedroom with four bunk beds each equipped with its own flat screen TV. Guess what? I found something for you. Yep, the Owner’s Suite. It’s by special request only. So I’d personally go special request it now.
And that leaves us with the Penthouse – mmmm, Penthouse. 2,500-square feet, three stories, and 360 degree views of Manhattan. Enough said. OK, it also has a fire place in the master bedroom, tempur-pedic mattresses, a 2-person tub, an 8-person Jacuzzi and outdoor on the landscaped rooftop, and room for 125 of your closest friends in the world. If that isn’t enough to convince you of why I want to live there, I’ll only say this: I sit in my studio apartment filled with two human adult bodies and a cat.
So, you’re living it up in luxury, but your hungry and in dire need of a drink. Where should you go? Right….Thor…..downstairs……People who live in New York are traveling there from all parts of all boroughs to live it up, and you’re right upstairs – no brainer, no? The drinks are very reasonably priced and tres delicious. I felt totally decadent sitting in there – I felt like I was basking in a ball of lace. I don’t know why, and I’d love your feedback to see if anyone else felt the same way. I particularly loved how there aren’t any “conventional tables” – meaning, there are tables, some chairs, and mainly couches. Yep, you’re eating on the couch like mama told you not to do. Rebellion is my middle name, yo. The food is unbelievable, and overall, I think you’ll thoroughly enjoy the Thor experience – both Thor’s – the hotel and restaurant. Please, oh please, invite me to your party in the Penthouse. I’ve been a good girl, I promise. But, I could be naughty if it’ll get me invited to the Penthouse.
Visit them at http://www.hotelonrivington.comwww.hotelonrivington.com