By J.J. Avon
There are few instances when it is not fabulous to be single and in the city. On any given day, there are thousands (or hundreds of thousands) of eligible bachelors just roaming the streets of New York City, eye candy on display for your perusal. With so many options and temptations, the metropolitan woman has to ask herself, “Why bother committing to a monogamous relationship?” And then February rolls around and even the most independent of females remembers why. Ah, V-Day, the holiday for lovers, flowers, cards and candy. The day that Hallmark and all of its co-conspirators will not let you forget. Just when you thought you had survived the family holiday parties and the work get-togethers, hanging mistletoe and NYE’s stroke of midnight without a significant other, Valentine’s Day comes to kick you in the rear and try one last time to make you feel bad about being alone.
But amidst all of the marketing and product placement, there is still one good reminder for why you (still) don’t need a man this Valentine’s Day. Actually, we’ll give you four. When all the V-Day flowers have wilted, and your friends are stuck in humdrum relationships, you’ll still be in love with these bad boys.
The Musician: OhMiBod and Naughtibod by OhMiBod
OhMyGod. That’s all I have to say about this little gadget. You’ll love this vibrator for the same reason you love the musician type…without the bad credit and mom complex. OhMiBod hooks up to your iPod and actually vibrates to the beat and intensity of the music. So if you’re settling down for a romantic night for one, let Maroon Five serenade you to emotional and sexual heights. Feeling frisky? Turn up Lenny Kravitz and prepare to be blown away. My personal recommendation, though, is to avoid the bossa nova until you become a seasoned veteran. I started off with some light Bob Marley, worked my way up to Incubus and by the time I got to the sexy French stuff, I could swear I was speaking a different language. Just remember to keep the volume up to about 75 percent and try to come up with a playlist beforehand to avoid awkward waiting times between songs. Price: $69 on http://www.ohmibod.com.
Tech Savvy: SaSi by Je Joue
We’ve made it to the moon, and we can shoot missiles halfway across the world, so why is it exactly that it’s taken mankind this long to master the science of the clitoral orgasm? Well, the French have come out with something completely revolutionary. SaSi by Je Joue is the first massager that remembers what you like and don’t like. A small, round massager placed under a thin sheet moves in different directions against the clitoris (up, down, circular, etc.) doing all the work so you don’t have to. You can change the speed and intensity of the massager and set it to vibrate. And SaSi will actually change direction every 20 seconds so you don’t get bored. Last but certainly not least, this orgasm technology will remember which settings you prefer for your next, uh, adventure. So basically, it does everything you wish your past partners knew how. What it won’t do, however, is get tired, speed up unnecessarily waiting for you to climax, or expect flattery and gratitude, Yes, SaSi is worth every penny (of the $185 available only at Babeland) you spend on it. My only advice to you is to completely charge the toy and review the manual thoroughly before you try it. Like a computer, it can get slightly tricky to use and the last thing you want to do during a session is to start reading directions as your little friend loses battery power.
The Heavy Hitter: Eleven by njoy
No matter what technology enters the pleasure arena, there will always be some who aren’t impressed by the bells and whistles. You know who you are ladies, or should I say size queens? It’s okay; size does matter. And when you’re dealing with a brainless object that won’t keep you warm at night or wow you with its sense of humor, size and shape are the ONLY things that matter. Made of almost three pounds of stainless steel, the curvy Eleven gives you something to wrap your muscles around. In fact, its weight and material makes it the ideal prop for Kegel exercise, maybe even more than beginners can handle. But if you can take all 11 inches of length and 2 inches of diameter (please don’t use it all at once; it’s double-sided) and want an extra kick, try wrapping a cloth around it and sticking it in the freezer for a few minutes. You won’t forget the results – mostly because you’ll be limping for days after. Price: $310 on http://www. njoytoys.com.
The Designer Vibrator: The ULTIMATE MEMBER collection by Jimmyjane
Okay, So I have a confession to make. I don’t have an ULTIMATE MEMBER, for the same reason I don’t have a Hermès bag or Stuart Weitzman shoes. I make a writer’s salary and am not super trendy, and for those reasons, I have never been a “name brand person.” Still, you can’t write a product roundup of high-end vibrators without a nod to the most expensive product out there. A collaboration by sex toy company Jimmyjane and exclusive London club-owner Jamie Hewlett, this limited series makes sex an art form. Each vibrator depicts an ultra-VIP guest of Hewlett’s club, including Major Maja Flink, whose “bomb bay doors are lubed up and primed. One flick of her switch is all that it will take to send her ballistic.” And Dick Ward, “Style stud and he-hung like a sartorial clotheshorse.” Of course such forceful joining of function and form comes at a cost, $1,650 for the set, to be exact. Display case not included at http://www.jimmyjane.com.