Dating

By Leica Meliton

Missionary, doggie, cowgirl, 69…so many positions, so many names for one action. From the Karma Sutra to Cosmopolitan, the list of maneuvers is seemingly endless. Do you ever wonder, however, if your favorite position may hold some significance in relation to your relationship? According to Veronica Monet, certified sex educator, professional courtesan and the force behind http://www.sexwithoutshame.com, what you do in bed is indeed telling of your relationship’s standing.

Veronica Monet

Why does my significant other keep a mental list of places we have had sex? Why did that one boyfriend never take his boxers off? Was my ex justified in his disapproval of my sexual history? With constant digressions to history, religion, and spirituality, Monet and I could have spoken for hours. But first things first: Missionary.
Without a doubt, missionary is one of the most popular positions. It is the first position every new couple tries, and one that everyone returns to. Whatever positions we may favor, however adventurous we may get, there is no getting away from missionary. Monet states that when it is not just the carnal, physical act of skin hitting skin, it is “actually a beautiful position.” With the two bodies resting atop each other, eye gazing, and your “hearts and inner chakras aligned,” how much more loving can you possibly get? The words to that Foo Fighter’s song, “Breathe out so I can breathe you in,” come to mind when she states that when we share air, we breathe one another in.
At times, missionary involves the woman on top. As http://www.sexinfo101.com puts it: “It’s just Women’s Lib in action.” As opposed to regular missionary, the man no longer sets the pace and rhythm; a sense of vulnerability suddenly surrounds him as he submits to the woman’s command. This may translate into the relationship: if a man must be on top at all times, he may prefer to be the aggressor and dominant controller. If, however, he is open to you taking the reins and unleashing the cowgirl from within, he is more accepting and willing to share power.
For those times when slow, romantic lovemaking cannot slate desire and lust, doggie style is another favorite: you get deeper penetration, easy access and direct stimulation. Facing away from one another, doggie is not as intimate as missionary. Rather, it allows you to focus on your own pleasure, a bonus when you have a “fear of intimacy or are shy about your sexual responses.” Monet clarifies that this “is neither good nor bad; it simply allows you more privacy to cut loose and enjoy yourself.” Although I cannot help but wonder…Fear of intimacy you say? Is that why my ex, who loved doggy and nothing else, would never commit?
As for oral sex, well, it is inherently selfish. As one gives, the other gets. There is no exchange of mutual pleasure and the giver’s gratification relies wholly on the knowledge that his or her partner is enjoying it. As anyone who has gotten tired of performing oral knows, this only goes so far. This is where the beauty of 69 comes in. While I have a few problems with this one – it can become uncomfortable, physically tiring, and somewhat awkward – Monet says that it can also be a beautiful act. Sixty-nine is about giving and sharing pleasure, focusing on the other’s desires while enjoying the same favor in return. And there is no doubt that it is a true testament to the comfort level and willingness within a relationship.
What about the use of vibrators, handcuffs, porn, and other miscellaneous sex toys? Are they props for an otherwise failing sex life? Or, is there something deviant about your sexual preferences? Au contraire! Monet states that sex toys merely serve to “accentuate an already great relationship.” Comfort, communication, and a willingness to explore are necessary for when using sex toys, and essential components within a relationship. Moderation, however, is key. When sex becomes wholly dependent upon toys, this could be a sign of an underlying problem.
Lesson learned? As with the rest of the life, too much of one thing is never a good thing. Moderation and communication are essential to a relationship. Educate, question, explore, and enjoy sex. Broaden your definition of sex beyond mere “penetration and friction.” So…use those blindfolds and whipped cream. Ride him when you want, how you want, wherever you may want. Top, bottom, side, right, left: positions can only be so telling. As long as you revel in it, your relationship is flourishing.

Leica Meliton is this month’s guest writer. Born and raised in Brooklyn, she graduated from the State Univeristy of New York at Buffalo with a degree in English.

Originally published December 2008
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