Metro Man & Metro Home

By Anonymous Ex-Chauffer

As told to BN Travel Editor, Kelley Granger

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Driving a stretch limo in New York City is exciting. It tests your abilities to negotiate turns, deal with buses, large crowds of pedestrians and taxi cabs. It’s got its set of challenges, and it also has its rewards – namely bachelorette parties and the sneak peek into the girl’s night out that they afford. Take it from me guys: If your girlfriend is going out for a bachelorette, read this and think twice about letting her back in your bed.

Comparing Notes: Life in Your Bedroom

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You better make sure to wow your girlfriend before she goes out on one of these adventures, because your rep will get smashed when she tells all her friends about your intimate inadequacies. These girls have detailed graphic conversations and talk about a number of sexual acts. They tell each other what they do, how they do it, how they like it and if it’s good. For me, it was valuable to get the female perspective on the topics. For you, it could just be plain humiliating.

Playing Games: Your Strange Enemies

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The real threats are the non-suspicious men floating around the bars and restaurants the girls visit, and the game they play to interact with them. Take for example one bachelorette party I chauffeured. We were driving towards Manhattan and the girls started talking about this game they were all going to play as they were drinking an obscene amount of alcohol. There was a list of everything that the bride-to-be needed to accomplish during the night.

I was intrigued by what was going on and was eavesdropping a little bit.

“Oh, you have to kiss a guy with a moustache!” one girl cried to the bride. This was tame. Other duties were much worse, including giving panties and even a lap dance to strangers – dangerous MOs as we drove to the club.

When we got there, the guy at the door was cool and let me park the limo in front of the club. The girls insisted that I come in with them. They started with this game immediately. One of the girls went to the bathroom, came out and handed a random guy her panties. She picked the dorkiest kid (enemy #1) and the look on his face was classic.

The girls then located a guy with a distinctive 1980’s moustache (enemy #2), and dragged the bride over for a make-out session.

There was a lot of dancing with random dudes (enemies #3, 4, 5, 6, 7+) that incorporated all the girls. There were a lot of shots. A few of the girls disappeared for a substantial amount of time. Not really sure where they wandered off to.

Flash Dance

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Girls get pretty intoxicated during these things, and the party doesn’t end on the ride home. Bachelorettes include wild flashing of various vehicles out the sunroof and rear windows as well as pushing chests up against the glass. It’s on the ride home where they also make one last attempt to check off what’s left on their list – I got a lap dance in the back of the limo one night by a bride desperate to prove she could complete all her tasks. The rest of the group joined in voluntarily.

Gratuities

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When your girlfriend or fiance is at a bachelorette party, the natural dread is that she’s going to get greased up by an oily, pumped up freak dancing to disco music and swinging his package underneath a fringed thong. While this may be a horrible image, this is the least of your worries. After all, who’s the one that takes her home?

Originally published June 2008
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