[/center] Please don’t think me naive that I’m waaay behind the curve in this post-modernist-spray-tanning-movement. I know you’ll forgive me that up until last week, I thought tanning beds were still all the rage. I was convinced Paris was the industry’s leading medical experiment. Ok, I admit it, I’m no sun-goddess, so kill me! Then what do I expect from my premiere spray-tanning adventure? To walk outta the joint looking like a Solid Gold dancer of course (I’ve always coveted Darcel)! But is this what actually transpires? Nyet, of course not, don’t be ridiculous! You already knew that… or are you as confused as I was? Entree Madame MEREDITH FISH of BROWNBERRY, the baroness of browning. Mz. spray-tan guru gratefully gives me some serious schooling on the art of the faux-tan. I think of Meredith as Dr. Bronze, making old-fashioned house calls at her clients’ whims (some pretty highbrow whims at that). Spray-tanning = one part vanity + one part healthfulness. This is one movement I can most definitely get down with.

As flustered as I am by the prospect of dropping trou in front of a veritable stranger who is not my lady parts doctor, I’m stripped-down and spread-eagle in her living room in no time flat. Even as I cower before my naked flaws, Meredith’s trained Picasso eyes expertly regard my canvas and transform my nudity into a piece of invisible graffiti art. Invisible, because her misting formula is totally clear, which she manufactures herself. She spritzes me down left, front and center (and I mean every last nook ‘n cranny) with her organic, FDA approved solution made from beets, brown sugar and DHA. Apparently, a real tan is induced when the outermost layer of my skin reacts with the amino acids. An authentic suntan (which can last up to eight days) with no sweating, no burning, no alligator skin and no peeling mess… freaggin’ brill! I try to wiggle some info from Mer about what celeb-u-lite she’s sprayed, but her lips are pursed, the word is mum. She probably knows where Hoffa’s buried, but she’ll never tell. But she does flip me a laundry list of celeb mag mainstays who are bronzed and browned within the site of a spray gun. Who knew?

After all is said and done and I’ve been fluffed with a hair dryer, the whole thing seems kinda silly really, to leave a service that is, as of yet, invisible. This involves the invocation of the female trust credo: do unto others as you would have them spray-tan unto you (yah, it was new to me too). I had expected to leave looking like Darcel, but instead I left looking like that silver-painted robot performer in Times Sq. Apparently my wonder-tan is to appear within the next six hours and by nightfall I’ll look optimally stupendous and sun-kissed gorgeous, se magnifique! And of course, I savor the luscious irony of people raving ad nauseum about how ‘healthy’ I look with my faux-tan that I acquired indoors without ever absorbing a single vitamin A ray. Yah, maybe 1950’s “Sleeper” smoke-cigarettes-and-eat-tons-of-red-meat-healthy, but we all know how that turned out.

Truth be told, I do look fabu, all bronzey brown and toasty and even my dermatologist would approve. I worship my golden goddessness, I covet it, oh God how will I live without it? (Sorry, I slipped, it happens.) And you must know how I relish supporting independent women in business, a major high in spreading the love. I have to say, being invisibly misted by Meredith is as unique and whimsical an experience as being lectured by Silent Bob or chastised by Marcel Marceau, an absolute cannot miss on your summer’s must-list.
< href="mailto:"[email protected]">[email protected]



Am I the only one to notice that it suddenly got hella hot? No, I didn’t think so. Man, I’m craving a chilly drinkie. Maybe a tasty little sugar-rimmed mojito, magnificently muddled, or the perfectly puckered lemon drop shot (brrrrr). Hmmm, so many cocktails, so few happy hours, what to do… While waitressing (and waiting, and waiting), I became the de facto bartender, a far more salient talent to offer to the world than, ‘who’s having the smoked salmon?’ And so I offer up to you on a spiked wedge, a shaken tini and a stirred platter some of Bacardi’s most yummy-rummy new melony concoctions for the summer season.

[b]Melonic Breeze (Evocative of the famous melonic breezes of Mali) [/b]

1 1/2 ounces Bacardi Grand Melon
4-5 Fresh Mint Leaves
2 Cucumber Slices
1 ounce Fresh Lime Juice
1/2 ounce Simple Syrup Seltzer

Glass: Highball or Collins (thank you sirs)

In mixing glass or shaker, muddle cucumber slices well until crushed. Add mint and muddle (to extract essential oils). Add remaining ingredients, except seltzer. Add ice and shake well. Pour mixture into glass. Top with seltzer and stir gently.
[/center] [b]Sweet Fire[/b] (Not for the timid… yeow!)

1 1/2 ounces Bacardi Grand Melon
2 Slices Jalapeno
1 1/2 ounces Pineapple Juice
1 ounce Fresh Lime Juice

Garnish: Slice of jalapeno
Glass: Highball or Collins (again, obliged)

In cocktail shaker combine one slice of jalapeno and all liquid ingredients, add ice and shake vigorously. Strain into cocktail glass or serve over ice. Garnish with remaining slice of jalapeno.

[b]Rind It Up! (If I have the lime, and you have the bass)[/b]

1 1/2 ounces Bacardi Grand Melon
2 quarter Lime Wedges
3-4 large Watermelon Cubes
1/2 ounce Honey

Garnish: Lime pinwheel
Glass: Double Old-fashioned/Rocks (twice as nice)

Muddle watermelon well (to break down & extract water). Add limes and muddle (to extract juice & oil from rind). Add remaining ingredients and ice. Shake well and pour into glass. Garnish with lime pinwheel.

[b]Pink Melonade (I think about you all the time, I see you in my dreams)[/b]

1 1/2 ounces Bacardi Grand Melon
3 ounces Lemonade
1 ounce Fresh Pomegranate Juice Seltzer

Garnish: Watermelon Spike or Lemon Wedge
Glass: Highball or Collins (hat tipped)

Combine all ingredients in cocktail shaker, except seltzer and garnish. Add ice and shake well. Strain over ice in glass. Top with seltzer and stir gently. Garnish with watermelon spike or lemon wedge.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments


By becoming a member, you'll receive special, members-only offers and discounts. You'll also receive our newsletter, filled with colorful insider info, delivered straight to your inbox. 

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x